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His energy amazes me - I'm going to start using his tablets! - Bobby Robson on Kieron Dyer
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'Footballers' Wives Roasted by TV Bosses!' - a headline on Yahoo ... Lovely!
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Reporter to Newcastle's Shola Ameobi: 'Do you have a nickname?'
Ameobi: 'No, not really'
Reporter: 'So what does Bobby Robson call you?'
Ameobi: 'Carl Cort.'

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“When was the last time you heard him slag off an opponent or another manager?” – Ken Bates proves that he has had no influence whatsoever on Claudio Ranieri.
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“The biggest thing I've found is that in this country all the shops close at five o'clock. In Portugal they stay open until eight.” – Helder Postiga explains his drop in form, even though footballers finish training at mid-day.
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After training, he'd always be practising, practising, practising. But his life changed when he met his wife. She's in pop and David got another image. He's developed this 'fashion thing'. I saw his transition to a different person.
- Sir Alex Ferguson on the departed David Beckham.
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David loves to have facials and massages. He also likes to get his eyebrows plucked.
- Never mind the football, 'Posh Spice' reveals that really interesting stuff about her husband.
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David Beckham makes a statement at a Man Utd post match press conference.
 
"They're small and minty and keep my breath fresh for up to two hours and Victoria likes 'em 'cause they're only two calories".
 
The audience looks stunned, when a small voice from the side of the podium whispers,
 
"No David, you're here to talk about tactics!"
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Saddam Hussein has just given a TV interview on Iraqi television to show that he wasn't killed in the storming of Baghdad.

In the interview, he stated, "To prove I am still alive, did you see the
Premiership this weekend? Spurs were total sh*te. Imagine being beaten at home 0 - 2 by Man City, they will never amount to anything."

A British Government spokesman moved quickly to question the validity of the broadcast: "That statement could have been recorded at any time in the last 37 years....."
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"We are conceding goals, remain impotent in attack, and there is no basis to our play." - Manchester City's David Sommeil.
 
And to think some Liverpool fans reckon Keegan would be an improvement on Houllier.
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"I thought it was a wrapped-up barbeque chicken thingie, so I tried it and it was quite nice, but there were too many bones in it for me and then I seen the wing of it and I asked Tony....... and it was a bat."
Paul 'call me Ozzy' Gascoigne
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"The arrival of Liverpool legend Robbie Fowler may go down as one of the shrewdest purchases by a Leeds manager since Don Revie bought Allan Clarke from Leicester City in 1969."
– From Fowler’s player profile on The Official Leeds United website.
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Gerard Houllier has been caught speeding through Liverpool City centre. When questioned by the arresting officer, the Reds boss exclaimed, "Well, i'll do anything to get three points at the moment!".
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"We used to have Shaka Hislop on our books but I've never heard of Shakira. She's a singer is she?" – Sir Bobby Robson’s reaction to being told the sultry singer was staying in the same Barcelona hotel as his players during their last Champions League game.

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Q: How do you confuse a Manchester United fan?

A: Show him a map of Manchester.

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Q: Why do NASA send their astronauts to train at Highbury?

A: It's the only place in the world with no atmosphere!

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Man Utd were facing defeat. In the final minutes Fergie shouted to his captain, "Oi Roy, it's about time you got ferocious." "What's his number?" Keano shouted back.

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Liverpool have got a new part-time sponsor - Tampax, just to help them through their bad period!

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Q: What is the difference between Alan Shearer and a pint of Boddingtons?

A: 
The beer's a whole lot cheaper and you get to put your hands on the cup!

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The FA had to step in to prevent West Hams latest sponsorship deal. They signed a lucrative new contract with the pet-food firm Spillers. An FA spokesman said that it would be fraud to have the Hammers players with "Winnalot" on their shirts!!

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